UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
