i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
