i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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