How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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