Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
