8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
