i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
