You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
