The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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