you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
