It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
