Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
