A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
