Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
