I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
