She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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