omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
