There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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