woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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