is your mom at the bar?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
