Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
