and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
