once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
