I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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