i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
