I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Randomize
