broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
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Vodka?
Forever.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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