I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Watching her eat just hurts me
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
