My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
