Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
