what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize
