This is not my ceiling
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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