my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
birth control should be required to get into college
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
