Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Randomize
