I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
