standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
