How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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