Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
