Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
