Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
