You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
