I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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