just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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