I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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