I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
