All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The uberlube is also flammable
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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