im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
