No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
