Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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