just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
