Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
