I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
