3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Randomize
