all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
