we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
