jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
