the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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