I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
